1. Certainty
All human beings crave a certain level of safety, assurance and predictability in our lives, for this is the foundation of our most basic behavior: survival. When things are VERY uncertain, we tend to be freaked out! Which causes us to reach for different vehicles of comfort such as friends/family, television, or alcohol. And once we’re at a level where we feel certain there are no more dangers, we can relax and actually focus on the other needs. So this is one spectrum where the need for certainty is entirely UNMET, hence causing nerve-wrecking stress and pain.
But there’s also the other end of the spectrum, where the need for certainty is entirely MET. Think about it, would you want to watch a basketball game if you already knew the score and everything that was going to happen in that game? Probably not, because that’s just freaking boring. Now everyone require different levels of certainty in their lives, for example my own need for certainty is very LOW compared to other. So if things get too predictable, I get BORED. Hence the reason why myself and many others like me seek our next need, which is in directly conflict with our first need.
2. Uncertainty
Another word for uncertainty is variety. We all need a change of scenery every now and then, watch a new movie, travel to a new country. For this is what makes life exciting because we DON’T know what to expect, but the uncertainty level is still tolerable enough that we know in the end the variety will bring us pleasure. Too much uncertainty will bring us fear, while not enough will cause boredom. So really the first two needs are pieces of the same pie, if my need for uncertainty is at 70%, then my need for certainty will only be at 30%.
3. Significance
Deep down, we all need to feel that we are important, unique, and special, and this can be manifested in many ways. One vehicle for people is by becoming high achiever, because having those distinctions makes people feel important. But along the need for importance, a poor vehicle some people use is by putting down other, for that makes them feel like they are better than another. Another popular vehicle is acting/dressing in a eccentric way, many people take pride in being different and unique for that’s what fulfills their need for significance. BUT if we strive for TOO much significance and uniqueness, we end up totally different than everyone else which violates our very next need.
4. Connection
We all strive for a level of connection with our peers, whether that be in terms of a friendship or intimate relationship. The core of all human connections are based on similarities or sameness with one another, but if we are too busy being significant we rarely feel connected or similar to someone else. Hence again, the need for significance and connection are sharing the same piece of the pie. If we our need for connection is NOT being met, we feel alone and disjointed from people. But if it’s met entirely, we no longer feel different or unique from other, hence losing our own identity and violating our need for significance.
5. Growth
Everything is either growing or dieing, there’s no in between. And human beings are no exception, we must feel like we are constantly growing in our lives. Many people’s goal is to reach a certain financial target, or style of life, but when they get there, they become stagnant. While others might envy what these people have or achieve, they themselves are unhappy because their not growing anymore. They’ve reached the plateau, and there are no more mountains to climb. But we all NEED something to strive for, something that’ll challenge us to grow and take our lives to the next level.
6. Contribution
Aside from ourselves, we all desire to make a difference and contribute to the greater good. In essence, Philanthropy is a universal need for everyone, it DOESN’T depend on the person, for everything must serve a purpose in the big ecosystem. So we as human beings all have a deep desire to contribute outside of ourselves, whether that’s manifested in the friendship circle, community, society, or country as a whole.
11 May 2011 Roslyn Loxton
Relationships – Keeping it simple
Label accurately - Speak the same language
Articulate and Translate - what are you making that mean
After interviewing couples that have been married for 50 years or more, the common denominator in their marriages lasting is COMMUNICATION.
Communication is more then what many people think it is. Communication requires skills that are not taught in our mainstream education process. In fact we tend to pick up some bad communication habits along the way.
What I am realizing more and more is that when people in relationships have challenges with their bond/partnership they are so often unable to articulate themselves clearly, people stop hearing each others real meaning. Communication skills are letting them down. This can be just a little thing or it can lead to ugly costly divorce. Costs are financial, physical, emotional and spiritual.
How do you put things into the right words, do you really hear your partners message or just the words, or maybe just the emotion behind the words, do they really hear and understand your communication? Active listening is hearing what isn’t being said as well as what is being said.
How do you really articulate how you are feeling, what you are thinking and why certain things matter to you?
Look below the surface. Look beyond the behavior itself. Leaving socks on the floor is behavior. Our behavior is only a small part of what makes us tick, underneath our behavior is a huge collections of things that drive our behavior. Emotions, beliefs, values, self identity. When we focus on behavior only, we may be limiting our focus to the problem only and limit our focus from stretching toward solution or ideal outcomes. What we focus on grows.
Here are a few tips on going beyond the surface layer, beyond the behavior.
Ask a lot of whys and be able to hear what isn’t being said by what is being said. This is a deep listening skill that most people simply do not possess. This is why having a professional communicator (coach or counselor) to assist you to articulate, translate and identify what isn’t being said will get you to a place of clarity quicker and with less emotional costs.
Tip: Never make anything about blame. How can I make you wrong? I just want you to be wrong! Instead, make everything about reaching an ideal solution.
Be humble and be supportive. Two cute little words, with massive implications.
Be happy to say, I made a mistake or I misunderstood because, ego and pride can just be big concrete roadblocks that get in the way of love and ideal outcomes.
Label clearly (lunch or ham and cheese sandwiches)
Saying you are angry is a start and it is like saying you are sick or saying you feel bad. This description is too general and gives no indication of what caused the feeling or what the necessary solution could be. It is like saying, “I want a vehicle” there is not enough specific information about what type of vehicle or what it needs to be used for.
Translate Accurately (what exactly do you mean?)
Often people translate incorrectly.
Eg. Person A actually says, “You’re smart with crosswords” and means, “you’re clever, I really admire you”.
Person B actually hears, “You’re not really very good at anything other then crosswords”.
TIP for Translating: Ask; is this what you meant by saying that? Or Just so I am clear, what exactly are you making that mean?
The 90% below the water or surface level: Expectations, our filters, values systems, belief systems, self identity, profile, love language, past experiences, fears, hopes, limits and boundaries are all playing a part in what drives our behavior.
Example
You might have an itch on your leg. (This represents what you see in the 10% above the water level - behaviour)
Why do you have an itch?
Because Mozzies keep bighting you right. You thought you killed them all???
Why does this keep happening, why do I keep getting bitten?
What you haven’t seen, there is a bucket of stagnant water hidden under a tree way down the back yard breeding mozzies (this represents the 90% hiding under the water surface - what drives our behaviour)
We don’t see the bucket breeding mozzies because we are too busy operating up in the 10% area, reacting to mozzies.
You can keep scratching your leg and putting creams on it, but until you clear away that bucket of breeding mozzies from way down the back yard, the itch will continue to occur and maybe even spread to other parts of your body and start leaving scares and effecting other people/kids/family etc sharing your mozzie filled world.
Understand
What you expect from a marriage/relationship, the functionality.
What you expect to give and give up
What are your individual driving values?
What are your top priorities?
What are your limits and boundaries?
What are you individual and shared goals?
The seven deadly habits are criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, and bribing.
The seven caring habits include supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, and negotiating your differences.
For Personalised Couples Coaching Contact Me Us Them ros@meusthem.com.au www.meusthem.com.au
And the Winner is....
Congratulations to Stephen Thomas who has won the Two Night Package for two people including breakfast at Treetops Seaview Montville!
Reconnect on our Love Boat Cruise!
Imagine yourself lazily sunbathing on the deck of Royal Caribbean International ship 'Rhapsody of the Seas', sipping a cocktail with an insanely colourful and almost boastful pineapple, strawberry and kiwi-fruit garnish, the gentle sea breezes cooling your skin as you listen to the gentle splash of the waves against the side of the ship. Eyes closed, with a smile on your face, your hand stretches out beside you and connects with your partner's fingertips. They move to intertwine with yours and you feel the jolt of energy, love and passion pass between you.
Me Us Them pairs the luxury of cruising on one of the most entertaining ships to visit Australian water with the reinforcing and reuniting benefits of four 3-hour relationship connection sessions with our highly committed coaches and psychologist.
This cruise will provide an opportunity to:
- Enjoy the pleasures of cruising without taking a week off work. There will be plenty of time to experience the pleasures that this liner has to offer.
- Attend this incredible small-group workshop in aprivate on-boardvenue.
- Resolve the painful experiences that occurred in your past, but that have remained in your present.
- Learn to experience the trust that enables you to open your heart and fully experience a healthy relationship.
- Identify and align your core values, and integrate them into your daily life experiences as a couple.
- Release beliefs that prevent you from truly valuing and ultimately loving yourself, so that you can expect to experience a stronger relationship than you thought possible - even if your relationship already feels great!
We would love to share this opportunity with all of you!! Unfortunately we can only accept a maximum of 15 couples on this cruise, which we will be running only once in 2012.
Read what others have said about working with your facilitators for this cruise:
"Alison helped me realize things about myself I didn't have any idea about... And above all, it was FUN! I'll be able to be more authentic in my relationships - and that will simplify my life. I'm definitely recommending Alison!"
Gabriel, Financial Director, Belgium
“THANK YOU! Is a small word for what you did with and for my husband!
Thanks to you we are still together and we'll work on getting our couple and family in a better place than it was supposed to be after what happened in the past year and so. My best wishes and thoughts for you for the rest of my life!”
Mariana, Brussels
“Thank you. Looking back over the past couple of months I am truly amazed at the amount I have learned and expanded as a person. This is the most special gift anyone could ever give me. I appreciate the strategies and find them very helpful but it is your individual and honest approach that makes your series more powerful.”
JB, Brisbane, Australia
“Thank you for listening and giving me insight that I have never discovered. You are brilliant at digging deep to the core and revealing things so that they seem simple and concise.”
R.J, Brisbane, Australia
"The benefits from that session have rippled through across all domains of my life... I feel more capable and confident in all areas of my life, my relationship with my partner has improved, I feel healthier and am more committed to my life goals."
Melissa, Brisbane, Australia
“In a world full of people aspiring to be coaches, Ros Loxton stands out as one of the best I have ever met. Ros not only has superlative coaching skills, combined with effective NLP techniques, but she has a genuine, heartfelt caring for the success of her clients."
Brisbane, Australia
“I finally have the confidence I never thought I would have and it’s showing in all aspects of my life. Alison has empowered me and helped give me my life back. I cannot thank her enough or even imagine that she’ll ever understand everything she’s done for me, words escape me for how grateful I am. Again thank you!!"
Leah, Melbourne, Australia
Don't miss this opportunity to experience reconnection and life-changing shifts in your relationships. This cruise is for:
- People who are in happy relationships who recognise that investing in their union has lifelong returns,
- People whose relationships feel secure but the spark and connection has begun to dim, and
- People in relationships that are nearing crisis point - constant disagreements, lacking joy and intimate connection.
What's included again?
- Your three-night cruise for two people sharing the same cabin.
- All main meals*
- Onboard activities*
- 4 3-hour workshop sessions, enabling you to connect with your partner in an incredibly powerful way.
- Plenty of time to relax and enjoy the experience of cruising in Australian waters.
What are the feelings of love, joy, trust, connection, respect and commitment in your relationship worth to you?
Your total investment in this workshop at sea is only:
$3,497 per couple (sharing the same cabin)
$2,600 per individual (if you prefer not to share a cabin)
$1,997 per individual (if you are happy to share a cabin)
Remember - we can only take a maximum of 15 couples or 30 participants altogether. Securing your berth only requires a deposit of $100!
Click the link below to secure your berth with your $100 deposit!
http://www.stickytickets.com.au/5549
Retention Through Relationships
in Insights - Alison Skate
28 Mar 2011
For many years it has been recognised that the relationships we establish within the workplace influence many workplace variables, such as job satisfaction, job performance, retention and productivity. Managers becoming coaches is one example of leveraging the impact of relationships in the workplace. Team building days have become popular due to their link with increased communication between departments,higher levels of productivity and enhancedjob satisfaction.
But, what happens out of the workplace is none of your business, right?
What if I told you that an estimated USD$6,000,000,000 is lost in productivity and revenue in the US each year as a result of hardship in personal relationships? What if I told you that a lack of spousal support for one's job is consistently ranked in the top three reasons for leaving a workplace? What if you knew that retention could be influenced by providing an employee assistance program which incorporated relationship coaching? If an employee had fewer emotional distractions, could this result in a safer workplace?
As I think about these questions, my mind wanders to those jobs that place the greatest demands on relationships - those including shift work or long periods of time away from home. These jobs also seem to be the ones where additional stressors and strains could mean the difference between getting the job completed safely and on time, or not.
Late in 2010, Queensland mining magnate Clive Palmer gifted the majority of his employees a family holiday to exotic South Pacific islands for Christmas. This is a very savvy move for an employer, making him an Employer of Choice in my mind, and demonstrates Mr Palmer's understanding of the demands that the mining industry places on families. How many employers are pro-actively investing in their employees' family stability at such broad levels?
I'd like to see the day when companies are offering one or two opportunities per year for their employees to attend a relationship-strengthening workshop or retreat. I'd love to hear from any companies that are already doing this as a matter of policy, and hear from you first hand about the effect this has had on productivity, safety and retention.
The Cost of Love
Roslyn Loxton 28.01.11
Attraction, passion, flirting, excitement, lust, energy, happiness, fun, distraction, even nervousness are all delicious feelings associated with the explosion of fireworks of becoming attracted to someone. Sometimes we are looking for love and sometimes cupid has his way and it finds us unsuspecting.
So what is that initial surge of attraction, the beauty and fun and excitement in the beginning stages of partnership? The primal energy flurries through our stomach and you can literally feel the energy racing between you. Chemical reactivity. The physical attraction is strong and inviting and there is an almost sacrilege importance to intimacy and “the first time”. When we connect as a partnership and develop a relationship what happens to this energy, this chemical activity and these incredible feelings and emotions as time passes?
Roslyn Loxton from Me Us Them Coaching and Psychology explains that things change with time, they settle and the energy shifts and the personality of the relationship forms. Like a growing baby becomes an adult or planting a seed, it sprouts and grows and then becomes a tree. The “personality” that a relationship becomes, begins by either a conscious intention or a primal unconscious process. Roslyn goes on to explain that the relationship that grows requires some fundamental elements in order to endure and thrive. What are these fundamental elements? Where do we learn about what they are? Given we are not formally trained in what relationship fundamentals are, we often just fumble along, either striking it lucky, faking it or breaking it, divorcing. Given that married couples are twice as likely to have children, (B, Disraeli ) there seems to be a cycle occurring. Our children learn about how to function in a relationship by what they see around them. There is no formal relationship education, just unconscious observations of what is happening around us. The cost of love dying is beyond dollar figures, there are enormous emotional costs. Whilst not all relationships live long and strong, the cost of separating can be greatly reduced by greatly reducing the negative emotions that go along with broken or finished love. Removing blame and bitterness and taking the pathway of amicable resolve will enormously reduce the emotional and financial burden of ending a relationship. Even in separation there can be alignment.
Roslyn says a healthy relationship is when a couple is well aligned. Synchronizing and being supportive of each other for who we are, not what we could or should be. This alignment is ultimately what would kick in after all of that invigorating exciting energy subsides from when the relationship was in its inception. One necessary element to a healthy, well aligned relationship is the individual being well aligned within them self. Misalignment will function completely differently to alignment and will determine the capacity for a relationship to endure and thrive or become clunky and doomed for failure or divorce. Roslyn goes on to say it is worth educating our self in relationship fundamentals; after all, relationships are at the core of our existence. In the absence of formal education through our school systems, we can still proactively seek to become more conscious and masterful in the knowledge and art of personal alignment and relationship fundamentals. Whilst they may seem like words or activities that don’t apply to you, it is these very things will be the indicators of how happy and successful our life is. It seems as a society, we tend to accept the costs of broken love or relationship beak down as a part of life when what we really need to be doing is learning how to navigate through the journey that relationships take. Me Us Them offers 5 relationship journey navigational tips.
Tip 1. Understand. Most people don’t really understand themself. Know what your personality profile traits are and how to get the best out of them. If you are not educated as to your natural operating style you can tend to be at the mercy of it. A bit like being given a new space ship to drive but not understanding what all the bells and whistles can do. So you push and tweak the bells and whistles in the vein hope that something good might happen to improve your journey. Try Googling free personality profile tests or reading books like Personality Plus to broaden your self-awareness.
Tip 2. Perspective. We are well acquainted with our own perspective and we can tend to only see situations from our perspective. Putting yourself in the other persons head long enough to explain what their perspective is allows you to understand the other person. This is simple and at the same time, not easy to do. We often just want to be right or for the other person to be wrong. We want to own our perspective. This is about being the bigger person and being more focused on having an amicable outcome where you can understand and support each other. Being fully understanding of the other person’s perspective isn’t about giving up or backing down, it is about focusing on a win/win outcome rather then focusing on being right.
Tip 3. Visualize. See a clear picture of what ultimately you would like the relationship to look like. How would you like your relationship to function? How do you treat each other? How do you speak to each other? How do you let each other know how much you love each other? How do you spend quality time together? When we see a clear picture of what we would like the relationship to be like, we can take responsibility for our part in that. Love and generosity breeds more love and generosity. Equally selfishness and bitterness breeds more selfishness and bitterness. When you can see clearly how you would like your relationship to function you can function that way yourself.
Tip 4. Attraction. The law of attraction is about what you attract to yourself. How attractive are you being to the very things you would like to attract to yourself. A leaf does not attract a bee, a flower does. This is about you. You, taking responsibility for being who you need to be physically and emotionally in order to attract what you desire into your relationship. Steering away from blaming anything or anyone but yourself for what you haven’t attracted to yourself or for what you have attracted to yourself.
Tip 5. Love. Love is a verb. A verb is a doing word. To love is to do love. The more you do loving things, the more love there is. This is particularly important for those who feel the love is gone or dwindling. Do things that mean love. Treat your partner with love. If you cannot feel the love, then you have allowed something else to move in and reside in the place of love. You can with effort put love back into its rightful place. Do loving things and have loving expectations. We attract to our self what we expect.
Me Us Them Coaching and Psychology are Brisbane based and provide Coaching and Psychology support through personalised Coaching and regular workshops.
For more information on this support visit Me Us Them on Facebook
www.meusthem.com.au | Facebook
Reference:B, Disraeli.
Divorce Stats Australia
Retrieved 06 January 2011 from http://www.mydivorce.com.au/divorceadvice/divorce-statistics-australia.htm
Launch Day
Me Us Them had the honour of sharing our launch with the one and only Cupid (seen here without his bow and arrow)!
Check out the video footage on our Facebook page to hear Cupid's thoughts on the 14-Day RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGE launched by Me Us Them on February 12th! Just by registering to do the challenge, you have the chance to WIN a romantic 2 nights with full continental breakfast baskets at the beautiful Seaview Treetops in Montville.
Just register for the RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGE to go into the draw.
Prize winners notified in May 2011.
Also, we encourage you to share your findings from getting involved in our relationship challenge with us on FACEBOOK.
Please check out the our Relationship workshops and Relationship Coaching service and keep an eye on news and events for your relationship support.